Gratitude List 18/09/2018
The way I used to deal with any harms I caused and any resentments or fears was to lock them up and throw away the key. I didn’t want to think about them, I didn’t want to deal with them, so I learnt from a very young age how to surpress them. I quickly became very good at this. But did they diminish and dissappear? No, they stayed with me decade after decade. Although I rarely thought of them, they all insidiously had a huge negative effect on my life, in particular my sanity, my serenity and my relationships.
An example of each are as follows:
– a long deep resentment towards my dad. Both he and I suffered because of it. I have forgiven him now and our relationship has blossomed. I love him dearly and I have no problem telling him. I’ve learnt its never too late to forgive. Despite the decades of resentment passed, our new relationship, although very short in comparison has been miraculous.
– a fear of being honest. I was so scared of the small consequences of being truthful. I’d rather dig myself into a deep hole and suffer properly! I also didn’t care about the trust I was rapidly losing from numerous people, people I loved and cared for. Thankfully, I now have peace of mind by simply being open and honest. Furthermore, others appreciate and respect my honesty. What was I afraid of? Another self created fear?
– the harm I caused my girlfriend. To name a few, she suffered from my dishonesty, my manipulation, my anger, my intolerance, my self pity and my selfishness. I should have suffered with the same, and I suppose I did a little. The worst thing on my part was I went about my life, happy, in complete denial and thinking I was right. What I didn’t know was this behaviour was eating away at my serenity, turning me into a person I wasn’t meant to be.
Today I am grateful for everything I have unlocked and faced head on. By doing so, I have been able to learn from each one, use them for reference and positively apply them to my day to day life. As a result my sanity, my serenity and my relationships have miraculously improved.
Lastly, I am humbly grateful for someone showing me how to achieve this and for my higher power’s strength and direction. Without them I would have just chosen to scrape the surface. I needed to dig deep.
Grateful for the memory
Highgate Woods, London. Autumn 2016