Gratitude List 09/10/2018

Just recently I have struggled with my food…. Again. I have been waking up with so much will-power and a strong desire to have a good healthy day. But it doesn’t take long at all for me to be tempted or put in a situation where my will-power is tested. No matter how much I tell myself it’s wrong, the compulsion overpowers my will with ease. Most of the time I had already accepted the fact it was going to happen. The f**k it button had already been pressed. From this point, it will take a divine intervention to stop me.

I’ve been aware of the answer for some time now. The same answer that has successfully assisted me before. The problem is I forgot it, or more precisely my self-will blocked me from seeing it. I fearfully asked myself last night, ‘why am I struggling?’ ‘I am trying so hard.’ ‘I really don’t want to.’

Like an ‘obvious slap’ in the face, the answer once again revealed itself to me. I need to stop trying to do this by myself. I am clearly powerless over this. I need to let it go. I need to hand this over to my greater power. A power I have faith in because it has already helped me in the past. So last night, I got on my hands and knees and humbly handed it over.

As before, after connecting with my higher power, I all of a sudden sparked into action. Action I know will help. Action that I alone couldn’t bring myself to do. But with my higher powers strength and guidance I can.

Today I am grateful for:

– the power I feel inside of me. It’s different to the empty promises I woke with yesterday. I can’t, we can.

– the fact I am writing about it now. Being honest, open and vulnerable. Plus I have a desire to speak about it.

– stepping on the scales again. Why is it so hard to step on them when I’m struggling?

– using my calorie/exercise monitoring app again. It’s no surprise my slip coincides with not wanting to be honest and not inputting what I have eaten.

– booking a gym class. I have kept going but there’s no doubt my motivation had been waning.

I wouldn’t have done the above if I was trying to solve this by myself.

But, even now, after all I’ve written above, my self-will is trying to sneak back in and take control. I must stay connected throughout the day through prayer and meditation. I’m a completely different person when I’m connected. I feel serene. I feel strong.

Grateful for the memory

Lake District, UK, Summer 2016