My Angel

Gratitude List 31/10/2018

13 years ago today my mum passed away. She was an absolute diamond, incredibly kind and completely loving. Although I occasionally put her through the wringer, all in all, I believe we shared a special relationship.

My mum’s ‘anniversary’ has come and gone over the years and in all honesty they done so without me thinking too much about her. Yes, life goes on and I don’t want to isolate myself and be sad all day, but that’s not my excuse. My excuse is, whilst suffering from my illness, I was emotionally numb, even towards grief and pain. I wasn’t completely neglect of feelings and I did shed some tears, but I know in my heart something wasn’t quite right. I’m not even sure I’ve grieved properly.

The last couple of years have been completely different though. Through doing recovery work I have become open to all types of emotions. Not in a fragile way, but in a normal way – a normal way of thinking and living.

Today I am grateful I am thinking of my mum right now.

And that I miss her dearly. Sorely.

That in my next breath, the thought of her brought a huge smile to my face

That I can still picture her face, hear her voice and feel her love.

I am grateful for the years we had together and the memories we created.

For her direction, guidance, support and understanding. Only now am I fully appreciating how much she did.

I am grateful for how connected I feel to her. I’m not exaggerating when I say I can feel her warmth and love. She is one of my higher powers.

I am grateful I have a few special places I can go to. Places that strengthen our connection even more.

I am grateful that I believe she is proud of what I am trying to do. I believe she has forgiven me.

I am grateful for still having my dad.

Grateful for the memory

My angel