Gratitude List 21/12/2018

I wish this story was fictional.

For me, the 21st is the day after payday and on more than a few occasions panned out something like this. I would start with confidence that today was going to be different. I was going to be sensible. Not being aware of the dishonesty, I would begin by searching pockets and handbags for any discarded money, this way I wouldn’t need to touch whatever money I had left from the day before. See… sensible. Excitement grew at the prospect of transforming this small pile of coins, not into a mountain of cash, but into several hours of my favourite pastime. I would leave the house with a skip and a jump and make my merry way to the nearest bookies with my pockets jingling. Seeing those keys still in the door was always a huge disappointment but eventually I’m in. My plans go out the window and I’m back out after 5 minutes because my patience couldn’t overcome the 8:32 at Lucksin Downs. My skipping and jumping now resembled a battle charge as I made my way back home to collect the debit card I swore I was not going to touch. Why couldn’t I just cut it into pieces? On my way back I told myself ‘it’s still ok, I can control this.’ After several trips of frantically running to and from the ATM looking like I’m fleeing from the Police I leave the bookies well before I had planned. Now there is no life in my legs as I stagger home resigned to a depressing day ahead. The thought of the consequences of my actions start to dawn on me. The bills? The lies? The harm? The…….. payday loan!! Yes, I’m back!

Today I am grateful my day hasn’t started like this. Absolute insanity. Today i am blessed. The fellowship, my sponsor, my greater power, service, diligent effort and the recovery program has given me my sanity back.