Gratitude List 04/01/2019
Yesterday I reflected on the 20 questions with gratitude. Because of yesterday’s abstinence I answered ‘no’ to all twenty. A good day? In terms of my gambling, most definitely. A day without the negative actions and behaviours caused by gambling is of course a blessing.
The problem is, I suffer from an emotional illness. Some of the twenty questions are quite specific to gambling. But what if, where possible, I replaced the word ‘gambling’ with ’emotional illness’. The results are quite interesting.
Just for today, did I lose time from work or school due to my emotional illness? Yes, I was a bit lazy at work. I procrastinated quite a bit and found myself choosing to waste time on my phone rather than being productive.
Just for today, has my emotional illness made my home life unhappy? No. Today was a good day, although I didn’t actually spend much time at home. What time I did spend at home was happy.
Just for today, did my emotional illness affect my reputation? Possibly, I’m sure my colleagues recognised I didn’t do much work today.
Just for today, have I felt remorse after displaying my emotional illness? Yes, I do look back and wish I hadn’t been so unproductive.
Just for today, did my emotional illness cause a decrease in my ambition or efficiency? Yes, as above.
Just for today, after a win did I have a strong urge to return and win more? No!
Just for today, did my emotional illness make me careless of the welfare of yourself or my family? Yes, I still use my phone sometimes when I drive. I did today. This is both careless and reckless.
Just for today, have used my emotional illness to escape worry, trouble, boredom, loneliness, grief or loss? Yes, I definitely ate too much bad food and wasted time on social media to escape boredom.
Just for today, have I ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act because of my emotional illness? Yes, I used my phone whilst driving.
Just for today, did my emotional illness cause me to have difficulty in sleeping? No, this is something I rarely struggle with.
Just for today, have I considered self-destruction or suicide as a result of my emotional illness? No, thankfully not. Although, the way I ate could be viewed as a form of self harm.
This isn’t a ‘beat myself up’ exercise, but yet more proof that gambling is just one of my symptoms. I answered ‘yes’ to 7 out of the 11 possible questions and on other days it could quite easily be more. My gratitude goes towards this awareness, the humility I now feel and the fact I am working a program. The latter means I have experienced many days with fewer ‘yes’s’ and even some with a clean slate of ‘nos’.