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Gratitude List 04/01/2019

Yesterday I reflected on the 20 questions with gratitude. Because of yesterday’s abstinence I answered ‘no’ to all twenty. A good day? In terms of my gambling, most definitely. A day without the negative actions and behaviours caused by gambling is of course a blessing.

The problem is, I suffer from an emotional illness. Some of the twenty questions are quite specific to gambling. But what if, where possible, I replaced the word ‘gambling’ with ’emotional illness’. The results are quite interesting.

Just for today, did I lose time from work or school due to my emotional illness? Yes, I was a bit lazy at work. I procrastinated quite a bit and found myself choosing to waste time on my phone rather than being productive.

Just for today, has my emotional illness made my home life unhappy? No. Today was a good day, although I didn’t actually spend much time at home. What time I did spend at home was happy.

Just for today, did my emotional illness affect my reputation? Possibly, I’m sure my colleagues recognised I didn’t do much work today.

Just for today, have I felt remorse after displaying my emotional illness? Yes, I do look back and wish I hadn’t been so unproductive.

Just for today, did my emotional illness cause a decrease in my ambition or efficiency? Yes, as above.

Just for today, after a win did I have a strong urge to return and win more? No!

Just for today, did my emotional illness make me careless of the welfare of yourself or my family? Yes, I still use my phone sometimes when I drive. I did today. This is both careless and reckless.

Just for today, have used my emotional illness to escape worry, trouble, boredom, loneliness, grief or loss? Yes, I definitely ate too much bad food and wasted time on social media to escape boredom.

Just for today, have I ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act because of my emotional illness? Yes, I used my phone whilst driving.

Just for today, did my emotional illness cause me to have difficulty in sleeping? No, this is something I rarely struggle with.

Just for today, have I considered self-destruction or suicide as a result of my emotional illness? No, thankfully not. Although, the way I ate could be viewed as a form of self harm.

This isn’t a ‘beat myself up’ exercise, but yet more proof that gambling is just one of my symptoms. I answered ‘yes’ to 7 out of the 11 possible questions and on other days it could quite easily be more. My gratitude goes towards this awareness, the humility I now feel and the fact I am working a program. The latter means I have experienced many days with fewer ‘yes’s’ and even some with a clean slate of ‘nos’.

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20 no’s

Gratitude List 03/12/2019

I’ve done this before but I think it’s a great reminder – a mixture of ‘Just For Today’ and the ’20 questions’. This time, a slight twist as I have used the 20 questions used in the States.

Just for today, did I lose time from work or school due to gambling? No!

Just for today, has gambling made my home life unhappy? No!

Just for today, did gambling affect my reputation? No!

Just for today, have I felt remorse after gambling? No!

Just for today, did I gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties? No!

Just for today, did gambling cause a decrease in my ambition or efficiency? No!

Just for today, after losing did I feel you must return as soon as possible and win back my losses? No!

Just for today, after a win did I have a strong urge to return and win more? No!

Just for today, did I gamble until all my money was gone? No!

Just for today, did I borrow to finance my gambling? No!

Just for today, have I sold anything to finance gambling? No!

Just for today, was I reluctant to use “gambling money” for normal expenditures? No!

Just for today, did gambling make me careless of the welfare of yourself or my family? No!

Just for today, did I gamble longer than I had planned? No!

Just for today, have I gambled to escape worry, trouble, boredom, loneliness, grief or loss? No!

Just for today, have I ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling? No!

Just for today, did gambling cause me to have difficulty in sleeping? No!

Just for today did arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within me an urge to gamble? No!

Just for today, did I have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling? No!

Just for today, have I considered self-destruction or suicide as a result of my gambling? No!!!!

What a beautiful program this is. 🙂