Gratitude List 19/02/2019: Awareness

Gratitude List 19/02/2019

This gratitude list refers to my awareness of a particular struggle I’m going through. At this point, I have an awareness and a desire, but no power. Its about time I held my hands up and admitted defeat again. This powerlessness refers to food, and some (including me) may think ‘oh well, it’s not that bad.’ But there are so many similarities between this and my primary addiction and the concerning fact is the similarities are increasing. I need to be honest with myself and get this down in writing.

Today I am grateful I have a growing awareness of the certain’ trigger’ foods I need to abstain from.

Today I am grateful I have an awareness that despite my growing knowledge of certain trigger foods, I am powerlessness over that first purchase/pick up/bite.

Today I am grateful I have an awareness of my powerlessness over the phenomenon of craving. Once I start I cannot stop.

Today I am grateful I am aware I have crossed that invisible line into compulsive eating. I am now, not a normal eater.

Today I am grateful I have a growing awareness of the insanity around my thinking when it comes to my eating.

Today I am grateful I am aware that my compulsive eating is becoming more secretive. As soon as there’s an opportunity to be alone, my mind starts to get excited about what I can eat. I’ve felt this before!

Today I am grateful I have an awareness that being secretive means I’m being dishonest. Not just on a food front but I’m spending money I shouldn’t too.

Today I am grateful I have an awareness of the lack of fight and will power when it comes to eating.

Today I am grateful I am aware of that feeling of inevitability. Accepting I’ve already done the deed before I have. Truly baffling.

Today I am grateful I have an awareness of what I need to do (recovery, unity and service) and what I need to less of (trying to deal with it by myself).

Today I am grateful this awareness and self-honesty has given me some power. Going to Greggs on my way to work seemed inevitable earlier but I’ve managed to walk past with some fight to spare.

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Gratitude List 18/02/2019: Freedom

Gratitude List 18/02/2019

Freedom:

1. the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants.

2. the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.

I can relate to both of these. With regards to how much freedom I have now and how I suffered from not having it in the past.

Today I am grateful I have the freedom to choose whether I feed my addiction or not. The insanity of my addiction meant this wasn’t always the case.

Today I am grateful I have the freedom to leave a premises. Crazy I know, but there were many times when I simply didn’t have the power to walk out of a door. Imprisoned by my illness.

Today I am grateful I have the freedom to act in ways that are good for me. I can enhance my spirituality through simple suggestions. I used to make the simplest suggestion as difficult and complicated so I could justify to myself I didn’t need to do it.

Today I am grateful I have the freedom to be honest. My life used to be a lie. It was continuous. Telling the truth meant I’d have to stop…. and I couldn’t.

Today I am grateful I have the freedom to think morally. Once riddled with defects, my thinking was stinky.

Today I am grateful I have the freedom to think less. Through prayer and meditation I am able to hand my thinking over to a power greater than me. Before, I ruled the universe and my washing machine head could think for me and everyone else too.

Today I am grateful I have the freedom to plan my day. I am no longer a slave to my addiction. I was absolutely powerless over its progressive terms. I had to feed it all day, everyday. If I wasn’t acting out I had to think about it. I even had to dream about it.

Today I am grateful that my freedom was only restricted by my addiction and not anything else.

Gratitude List 17/02/2019: Not going to miss it!

Gratitude List 17/02/2019

A busy day today, hense the lateness of my gratitude list.

Today I am grateful I will not miss a day of expressing gratitude. Doing these lists have meant so much to me and my recovery.

Today I am grateful for this 10 minutes while the dinner is cooking. If I don’t do my list now, I probably won’t get another chance.

Today I am grateful I am not using these 10 minutes to flick through Facebook or Twitter!!

Today I am grateful I enjoy doing these lists. They are non-negotiable but that’s not why I do them.

Today I am grateful for the gratitude lists I have been sent today. Each of them very inspiring and serene to read.

Today I am grateful that this list is already broadening my smile. After this, its dinner and cuddles with my daughter…. And my son if he allows it!

Gratitude List 11/02/2019: Fear Less

Gratitude List 11/02/2019

I feel a case of deja-vu! I’m sure I’ve written about this before (even the title) but it’s something I’m very grateful for.

I really feel like I’m living a new life. A second chance. Two lifetimes in one. To most, my life on the outside would seem very much the same. How it feels on the inside though is completely different. One of the biggest differences is the fear. It’s not like fear doesn’t exist in my life now, but in comparison I feel as free as a bird!

Today I am grateful I’m in less fear when a company do a credit check on me.

Today I am grateful I’m not in fear when my bill due dates are up and coming.

Today I am grateful I fear much less speaking in public.

Today I am grateful I do not fear getting through the day. Today I am grateful I do not fear a relapse.

Today I am grateful I’m in less fear when my phone rings. I don’t have to have it on silent and face down anymore.

Today I am grateful I’m not in fear when I see post on our doorstep.

Today I am grateful I no longer fear being inadequate.

Today I am grateful I fear less being honest and open. A tough one as this fear was so ingrained. Definitely getting better though.

Today I am grateful I’m in less fear when it comes to letting someone down. I never intend to do so, but it is inevitable.

Today I am grateful I’m aware I still fear being late. The consequences are NEVER that bad. One I need to hand over again.

Today I am grateful I do not fear being caught.

Today I am very grateful I am not in fear about my future.

Gratitude List 07/02/2019: I am me, inside and out.

Gratitude List 07/02/2019

Today’s reflection of the day spoke of honesty. As a result I find myself reflecting on how honesty has come into my life.

My life prior to recovery overflowed with dishonesty. It infiltrated my thoughts, words, behaviours and actions. For me, having a days abstinence with regards to dishonesty is as big a miracle as a day off from my addiction.

Today I am grateful I am honest with myself. Accepting who I am, what I do, when I have power and when I need help.

Today I am grateful I no longer wear a different mask to suit different situations. I am me, inside and out.

Today I am grateful I am more honest with others. Through my thoughts, words, behaviours and actions.

Today I am grateful I do not fear being honest. I used to fear the consequences which were always much smaller than those resulting from dishonesty.

Today I am grateful I rarely answer ‘yes’ on my daily inventory when I ask myself if I’ve been dishonest. As I said, a day of honesty is a miracle for me.

Today I am grateful I don’t manipulate people anymore. No more do I twist and turn people’s emotions and decisions to get what I want.

Today I am grateful I can be honest with another with regards to how they made me feel (if that’s what God has guided me to do – to use courage instead of acceptance).

Today I am grateful, an honest life is much simpler.

Gratitude List 06/02/2019: My purpose in life

Gratitude List 06/02/2019

Gratitude List 06/02/2019

For so long did I get up each day and just exist. Wander around, do what was expected of me, feed my compulsions, sleep and repeat. I had zero purpose, no goals, no aims and no ambition. Today I am grateful I have found my purpose in life. As the days go by, my purpose in life evolves and progresses alongside my recovery.

Today I am grateful I intend to go out and be the best person I can be.

To seek gratitude at all times, even during difficulties.

To do what is morally right.

To listen to people when they speak.

To remain teachable and open-minded.

To work as hard as I can.

To put in the diligent effort.

To love as much as I can.

To serve and give back to those who have helped me.

To do my bit for the unity. To connect with the people in my life.

To work the program to the best of my abilities.

To use tolerance and consideration when behaviours go against my values.

To be aware and honest with my own behaviours and action, promptly admitting when I’m wrong.

To set a good example to my children.

To improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him.

To pass on the same message of recovery that was freely given to me.

Gratitude List 04/02/2019: Continued…

Gratitude List 04/02/2019

Further to yesterday.

I woke this morning feeling a little drained, emotionally drained. Yesterday, I was met with my biggest test yet since being in recovery. Despite the challenge, as time has passed, I have been able to see plenty of positives. That has continued to be the case today and, upon reflection, I am full of gratitude.

Today I am grateful that this challenge has not led to me acting out in a negative way. Who knows what this could’ve led to. Working the program means I was less vulnerable.

Today I am grateful that my humility and consideration overpowered any resentments that briefly came to mind.

Today I am grateful I have been in recovery for the last year. Had I not been, I seriously believe I would be in a very, very dark place today.

Today I am grateful that my reaction has been to carry on as normal – which has been to work the program in my daily life. Being in recovery means that no desperate or drastic changes to my behaviour were necessary.

Today I am grateful I intuitively knew how to deal with this test (that would’ve previously baffled me). On reflection, the tools I have gained through this program were working without any conscience thought of my own. It was a miracle.

Today I am grateful my ego and self-will was not in control. Instead, my greater power carried me through. Under pressure, it would’ve definitely been the other way round. Does this mean my natural behaviour/reactions have changed?

Today I am grateful that this has reinforced my faith in this program and that ‘it works if I work it.’

Today I am grateful for that ‘moment of silence to remind myself why I am here’. I’m here because I need to be!

Today I am grateful I am not alone. Thanks to the honesty I have practiced, I have been able to share this situation with my partner, my fellows and my sponsor. Such a blessing to have this support instead of suffering alone.

Today I am mostly grateful that two people, who I severely harmed in the past, have had some release. They have been suffering and this would have been a big lift for both of them. I pray that my future conduct will assist in further amends.