Gratitude List 14/03/2019: The world WAS my ego’s oyster.

Gratitude List 14/03/2019

Filling the void is easier said than done. But every time I successfully fill it with something positive, especially when temptation wants to take me in the opposite direction, I am very grateful. I’m grateful because I feel great afterwards instead of feeling crap. I know I’ve reflected on this before, but yesterday it happened again.

After work I had a little under 2 hours to myself before my girlfriend came home. Out of nowhere, my mind began to fill with all the things I could do and none were positive – eat junk food, watch trash TV, watch pornography, flick through social media – the world was my ego’s oyster.

Today I am grateful I did something I could have easily procrastinated until the following day. It needed to be done and now it doesn’t.

Today I am grateful I walked home from the station instead of getting on the bus. This gave me time to reflect on my day, clear my mind and appreciate my surroundings.

Today I am grateful I called and connected with fellows. The timing of a call back inspired me to walk past the chippy. No such thing as coincidence!

Today I am grateful I I put the washing away. A job I dislike a lot. But I did it with no expectation of a thank you. It did go unnoticed and I’m happy about that.

Today I am grateful I sat in the garden and meditated. It felt great to switch off and improve my conscious contact with my greater power.

Today I am grateful I prepared dinner for when my girlfriend got home. Cooking is something I love. I’m no chef but enjoy it, especially cooking for others.

Today I am grateful that before I knew it the void had passed. The success of filling this void will add to the strength I need for next time.

Today I am grateful my girlfriend came home to a spiritually well boyfriend and not one, who because of his misdemeanours, would have been feeling low and very touchy if he was questioned about it.

Gratitude List 13/03/2019: Slow down!!

Gratitude List 13/03/2019

Yesterday morning I suddenly realised how impatient I was being. I was undertaking a somewhat innocuous task at the time. From this rather humorous moment I told myself I would make an effort to be more patient for the rest of the day. By doing so, I learnt I am very often in a rush, and for most of the time I have absolutely nothing to rush for.

Today I am grateful I let the microwave reach zero seconds before I took my breakfast out.

Today I am grateful I chewed my food sufficiently before I lifted the spoon again.

Today I am grateful I washed my hands properly.

Today I am grateful I dried my hands completely before wiping them on my jeans.

Today I am grateful I didn’t step into the road just to pass someone ahead of me.

Today I am grateful I waited for the green man.

Today I am grateful I checked the tyre pressures.

Today I am grateful I pulled into the gap and let a car past.

Today I am grateful I undone my laces before I slipped my shoes off.

These aren’t necessarily bad moments, but it did make me chuckle how often I’m impatient. And I do the same things almost everyday. As the day went on, as I resisted the short cuts, I did feel more serene and more present. It occured to me – how can I enjoy the present moment if I’m always eager to move onto the next? Furthermore, my impatience can manifest itself in ways that aren’t so humourous. I’m grateful for this awareness and the tools I have to help me rid myself of them.

Gratitude List 19/02/2019: Awareness

Gratitude List 19/02/2019

This gratitude list refers to my awareness of a particular struggle I’m going through. At this point, I have an awareness and a desire, but no power. Its about time I held my hands up and admitted defeat again. This powerlessness refers to food, and some (including me) may think ‘oh well, it’s not that bad.’ But there are so many similarities between this and my primary addiction and the concerning fact is the similarities are increasing. I need to be honest with myself and get this down in writing.

Today I am grateful I have a growing awareness of the certain’ trigger’ foods I need to abstain from.

Today I am grateful I have an awareness that despite my growing knowledge of certain trigger foods, I am powerlessness over that first purchase/pick up/bite.

Today I am grateful I have an awareness of my powerlessness over the phenomenon of craving. Once I start I cannot stop.

Today I am grateful I am aware I have crossed that invisible line into compulsive eating. I am now, not a normal eater.

Today I am grateful I have a growing awareness of the insanity around my thinking when it comes to my eating.

Today I am grateful I am aware that my compulsive eating is becoming more secretive. As soon as there’s an opportunity to be alone, my mind starts to get excited about what I can eat. I’ve felt this before!

Today I am grateful I have an awareness that being secretive means I’m being dishonest. Not just on a food front but I’m spending money I shouldn’t too.

Today I am grateful I have an awareness of the lack of fight and will power when it comes to eating.

Today I am grateful I am aware of that feeling of inevitability. Accepting I’ve already done the deed before I have. Truly baffling.

Today I am grateful I have an awareness of what I need to do (recovery, unity and service) and what I need to less of (trying to deal with it by myself).

Today I am grateful this awareness and self-honesty has given me some power. Going to Greggs on my way to work seemed inevitable earlier but I’ve managed to walk past with some fight to spare.