My Ego Vs My Spiritual Self: The Forty Two Year Wars

My Ego Vs My Spiritual Self: The Forty Two Year Wars

For decades my ego enjoyed landslide victories in this war. So cunning were it’s triumphs I didn’t even know it sat upon the throne in complete control. Like a ghost puppet it pulled my strings into the darkest of places and mis-shaped my life.

Three years ago, at Rock Bottom, my desperate spiritual self produced a challenge that hurt my ego. Until this day any attempt had been nonchalantly brushed off with ease. This small cut, produced not by force but by a leap of faith, was a glimmer of hope and changed history.

Since that fateful day my spiritual self has not rested. With daily diligent effort, it’s army led by gallant knights such as Sir Love and Sir Humility has continued to grow with new soldiers enrolling every day. Coinciding with this progress, my ego has deflated into a regressing gang of pirates succeeding only in little ambushes. Insidious jabs which remind my spiritual self not to get too comfortable.

Gratitude List 24/04/2019: Resisting to feed my ego

Gratitude List 24/04/2019

Resisting to feed my ego can be a daily war – I say war because there can be several battles per day.

Today I am grateful I resisted sharing some information I knew would initiate gossip within my work place. I would have been centre of attention but at the expense of another.

Today I am grateful I didn’t feel the need to jump on the bandwagon and join in with some office banter, which again was at the expense of others.

Today I am grateful I didn’t point out the person walking down the street just so I could get a laugh.

Today I am grateful I didn’t interrupt anyone whilst they spoke just so I could express my own opinions.

Today I am grateful I didn’t try and take all the credit for what was a team effort. I was happy to see another take the limelight.

Today I am grateful I didn’t point out and loudly verbalise someone’s mistake.

Today I am grateful I didn’t hide something with a lie in order to protect my success and ego.

Today I am grateful I am aware that this type of behaviour is detrimental to my spiritual health.

Today I am grateful I accept that this is a working progress. I am no way near perfect. But I am aware and I will get lots of practice.

Gratitude List 22/02/2019: Greater Powers

Gratitude List 22/02/2019

I hope this makes sense…. There’s a point in there somewhere…

Came to believe in power greater than myself. The second step in the program and one I used to stumble on.

Step one was far easier – admitting I was powerless over my addiction and that my life had become unmanageable. But by completing step one, hadn’t I already acknowledged a power greater than myself – my addiction? I’m not suggesting that anyone should hand their lives over to their compulsions, that’s what got me into trouble in the first place. But what of the polar opposite – recovery? In my own experience recovery has overpowered my addiction, it is stronger. Therefore the concept of ‘recovery’ can definitely be one of my greater powers. Recovery is a God of my own understanding. Like my addiction, recovery has given me experiences I never thought possible, so making a decision to turn my will over to the concept of ‘recovery’ is an easy choice and one I have faith in.

My addiction is but one of the many things I can struggle with. My life was unmanageable because of them. Each of them can overpower me if my spiritual connection is low. But today I am grateful for the fact that every negative has an opposite which is positive and even more powerful. I am therefore, surrounded by things that are more powerful than me.

Where there’s addiction there is recovery.

Where there is insanity there is sanity.

Where there is fear there is serenity.

Where there is isolation there is unity.

Where there is self there is selfless.

Where there is dishonesty there is sincerity.

Where there is arrogance there is humility.

Where there’s hate there is love.

Where there is a rock bottom there is hope.

Where there is death there is life.

I would happily get down on my knees and pray to any of them. And do it with a faith that help will come.

Gratitude List 15/02/2019: Defining moments

Gratitude List 15/02/2019

Defining moments.

There have been quite a few defining moments during my recovery.

Today I am grateful my three good friends who declined to lend me money. Initially I was so angry because I knew they had it. Thankfully two of them got together and spoke, one knew a little about addiction and knew the money wouldn’t go to good use.

Today I am grateful for being backed into a corner with no way out. The only way was to come clean. Had there been the slightest of gaps I would’ve got through it and caused even more destruction.

Today I am grateful for the unwarranted understanding and support I was given by so many people I’d harmed so much.

Today I am grateful for the female who decades ago made me aware of the fellowships. From that point on, I knew there was somewhere to go.

Today I am grateful for message of recovery which eventually sunk in through my ego. The realisation that despite some abstinence I hadn’t changed at all. I didn’t like who I was. The problem was me.

Today I am grateful for meeting my now sponsor for the first time and the leap of faith I took. He was there offering a selfless service but my ego wanted me to resist. My gut instinct was to think ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’ I took that first step.

Today I am grateful for discovering a willingness to believe in a God of my own understanding. Quite simply, ‘who am I to say there’s no God’.

In hindsight, I can clearly see that these defining moments were acts of my God as I understand Him. I know He’s been with me all the way, doing what He needed to do for me to see the light. Since then I have experienced many other defining moments that Unity, Recovery and Service has brought me.