Another coin has dropped!!

50 days ago another coin dropped. There was no planning. No bolt of lightning moment. The only way I can describe it is: the time was right. I had been through what I needed to and went with the flow when the opportunity presented itself.

As a result I am 50 day’s free from chocolate, biscuits, cakes, pastries, fried chicken, Greggs, McDonalds and those salty ribs I get from the local chip shop. All of which can trigger me into compulsive eating and has done so for the last three decades.

Make no mistake – this a miracle!!

What’s more is, for the first time in my life I don’t want to relapse. A strange thing for someone to say when that someone has struggled with food for as long as he can remember, someone who has been on countless diets and whose weight has continued to go up and down like a yoyo. For a few years now, I have been aware of the insanity around my thinking but I continued to test the water, to put the feelers out and try again. Oh, the great obsession to be a normal eater.

But I have finally accepted my powerlessness over certain foods. Through bitter experience I know where that first bite will take me. It maybe instant, it may take a few days or a few weeks, but what’s certain is I will reach the point of no return. I will cross that invisible line into compulsive eating and the self-pity, self-delusion, self-loathing and dishonesty that comes with it.

So how did I get to this rather serene place? First of all my sponsor suggested I did 90 meetings in 90 days. Thankfully, I quickly committed before my ego got the better of me. And of course, the more meetings I went to, the more shares of experience, strength and hope I heard, the more service I got to do, the more literature I read, the more serenity prayers I said and the more fellows I got to know.

Unlike my other fellowship, I had to grow into this one. The magic wasn’t instant. I had to do the basics and ‘keep coming back’.

I am so grateful for this abstinence. If I take notice, miracles are happening to me on a daily basis – I can turn down a donut when they’re brought into the office, I am not weighing myself numerous times a day, I can leave food on my plate if I feel full, I can attend a buffet and not sample everything, and Christmas is not an inevitable binge.

Today I feel so much better about my relationship with food. I can enjoy what I eat without fear and that’s a blessing.

It’s like a game of ‘whack-a-mole’! What’s next? Bring it on!

Gratitude List 07/04/2019: A lovely Sunday

Gratitude List 07/04/2019

I’ve just sat down! Today, I have constantly been on my feet. But I have loved every minute of it!

Today I am grateful I enjoy entertaining. There’s nothing I like more than cooking for everyone.

Today I am grateful the weather was just about worthy of a bbq!

Today I am grateful for having a garden. Something I haven’t had since I was a child. Something I cherish.

Today I am grateful for our home which turned out to be a lovely venue. Despite the extra rooms we all congregated into one!

Today I am grateful for everyone who turned up. No matter how much preparation is done, it’s the people that make a difference.

Today I am grateful for the help of my girlfriend. She is an amazing host and I’m proud to be with her.

Today I am grateful for my kids who are absolute delights. Sometimes I can get wrapped up in trying so hard to see them succeed. This weekend I decided to let go and let them be.

Today I am grateful that my children enjoy staying with us. I know it’s not always the case in our situation.

Today I am grateful for my son, who despite in many ways he can be a stereo typical teenager, he has so many positives and I am very lucky.

Today I am grateful for all the food and drink we had to enjoy. I cannot forget how much of a blessing this is.

Today I am grateful I am doing this list. I could so easily have a nap or put on the TV and relax, but I know how important this is for me and my happiness.

Gratitude List 28/03/2019: Gratitude for gratitude

Gratitude List 28/03/2019

Today I am grateful for the good news my son had yesterday. He had an admissions meeting and it looks like he’s been accepted onto the course he’d been hoping for. Gratitude for past difficulties happening for a reason.

Today I am grateful for the celebratory meal we had after. I’m grateful I could afford it and I’m grateful I could resist the ice-cream! Most of all I’m grateful to have the people I love the most sitting at the table with me.

Today I am grateful for sitting out in the garden, looking up at the stars (in between the clouds) with my daughter sitting next to me all wrapped up. I have very fond memories of doing the same with my mum.

Today I am grateful for the quiet half hour all by myself. I had done my suggestions so I did a bit of reading. I haven’t read a (story) book for a loooong time. It was nice to put my phone down, turn the TV off and read in silence.

Today I am grateful I am on my way to work. I am blessed to have a job. I’m further blessed to have the understanding of my bosses regarding my situation at home and how I’m unable to always start/finish when they want me to.

Today I am grateful for my son doing the final bit of my daughter’s school run which enabled me to make an effort for my work and get in as soon as possible. I’m so proud to see them walk off together. It’s a real tug at the heart strings moment.

Today I am grateful for the day ahead. God willing, after work I am due to meet a fellow for some step work and then onto a meeting where I can unite, serve and recover.

Today I am grateful I took the time to have breakfast at home and also make my lunch for the day. Its nice to have a plan in place. That way I eat healthy and spend less money too.

Today I am grateful for my physical, mental and spiritual health. For sure there are subtle aches, moments of irrational thinking and I’m sure my ego will take over at certain points during the day. But in contrast to my past my overall health has come a long way.

Today I am grateful for this list and what it’s doing for my serenity. I feel at peace, mind and soul. The longer I practice gratitude the less I suffer with expectation.

Gratitude List 19/02/2019: Awareness

Gratitude List 19/02/2019

This gratitude list refers to my awareness of a particular struggle I’m going through. At this point, I have an awareness and a desire, but no power. Its about time I held my hands up and admitted defeat again. This powerlessness refers to food, and some (including me) may think ‘oh well, it’s not that bad.’ But there are so many similarities between this and my primary addiction and the concerning fact is the similarities are increasing. I need to be honest with myself and get this down in writing.

Today I am grateful I have a growing awareness of the certain’ trigger’ foods I need to abstain from.

Today I am grateful I have an awareness that despite my growing knowledge of certain trigger foods, I am powerlessness over that first purchase/pick up/bite.

Today I am grateful I have an awareness of my powerlessness over the phenomenon of craving. Once I start I cannot stop.

Today I am grateful I am aware I have crossed that invisible line into compulsive eating. I am now, not a normal eater.

Today I am grateful I have a growing awareness of the insanity around my thinking when it comes to my eating.

Today I am grateful I am aware that my compulsive eating is becoming more secretive. As soon as there’s an opportunity to be alone, my mind starts to get excited about what I can eat. I’ve felt this before!

Today I am grateful I have an awareness that being secretive means I’m being dishonest. Not just on a food front but I’m spending money I shouldn’t too.

Today I am grateful I have an awareness of the lack of fight and will power when it comes to eating.

Today I am grateful I am aware of that feeling of inevitability. Accepting I’ve already done the deed before I have. Truly baffling.

Today I am grateful I have an awareness of what I need to do (recovery, unity and service) and what I need to less of (trying to deal with it by myself).

Today I am grateful this awareness and self-honesty has given me some power. Going to Greggs on my way to work seemed inevitable earlier but I’ve managed to walk past with some fight to spare.