Update….

Further to yesterday “Can we have a chat later?”

So yesterday’s chat came and went. The content of the conversation was what I expected. I can say with a degree of certainty, based on personal experience, that had that conversation happened maybe a year ago, maybe even less, the way I reacted to it and the way the conversation flowed would have been completely different. I am not going to go into the nitty-gritty of what was spoken but it’s safe to say my old self would have hated the situation. Defects of character would have burst out of me like fireworks – arrogance, Intolerance, impatience, anger, self pity, judgement. These are just a few. Yesterday I spoke of how different my thoughts and feelings were in the build up to this conversation. I felt incredibly connected yesterday and it’s this connection that enabled me to think like that. Because the preceding hours weren’t filled with fear and self I was able to prepare spiritually and put into practice all of what the 12 steps have taught me. Subsequently none of those defects of character came out. Instead I sat, I listened, I really listened, I considered, I understood and I learnt a great deal. No harm was felt and none was caused. Feeling very blessed.

Gratitude List 29/05/2019: Again and again

Gratitude List 29/05/2019

Again and again.

A very thought provoking piece of writing that was shared yesterday, made me think of all the things I currently do to acknowledge and respect my powerlessness over certain things. The idea behind it, as I understand, is by taking on specific actions I am once again admitting my powerlessness over my compulsions. And these humbling acts can be the difference between me staying clean and me ‘acting out’. For each one I am very grateful.

Today I am grateful for picking up the phone and calling my sponsor. By doing so I am asking for help, admitting again and again that I am powerless over my addictions and that my life is unmanageable.

Today I am grateful for writing this list. By doing so I am practicing gratitude, admitting again and again that I am powerless over my addictions and that my life is unmanageable.

Today I am grateful for reading some recovery based literature. By doing so I am learning more and more, admitting again and again that I am powerless over my addictions and that my life is unmanageable.

Today I am grateful for completing a daily inventory. By doing so I am having an honest and fair look at myself, admitting again and again that I am powerless over my addictions and that my life is unmanageable.

Today I am grateful for calling two members. By doing so I am uniting with fellows, admitting again and again that I am powerless over my addictions and that my life is unmanageable.

Today I am grateful for prayer. By doing so I am handing my will over to my greater power, asking for His guidance and strength, admitting again and again that I am powerless over my addictions and that my life is unmanageable.

Today I am grateful for meditation. By doing so I am taking the time to improve my conscious contact with my greater power while I open up my heart and mind to Him, admitting again and again that I am powerless over my addictions and that my life is unmanageable.

Today I am grateful for attending meetings. By doing so I am practicing unity, hearing and sharing what I need to, as well as contributing to the welfare of the meeting and the fellowship as a whole, admitting again and again that I am powerless over my addictions and that my life is unmanageable.

Today I am grateful for working the steps in my daily life. By doing so I am changing who I am, admitting again and again that I am powerless over my addictions and that my life is unmanageable.

Today I am grateful for taking on service. By doing so I am being selfless as I think of others, admitting again and again that I am powerless over my addictions and that my life is unmanageable.

Gratitude List 13/05/2019: Sometimes I forget.

Gratitude List 13/05/2019

Sometimes I forget.

Today I am grateful I remembered I am never alone.

Today I am grateful to have a power greater than myself. A power that gives me acceptance when expectations arise.

Today I am grateful to have a power greater than myself. A power that gives me courage when fear creeps in.

Today I am grateful to have a power greater than myself. A power that gives me wisdom when there is choice.

Today I am grateful to have a power greater than myself. A power that gives me guidance through difficult times.

Today I am grateful to have a power greater than myself. A power that gives me tolerance when I am tested.

Today I am grateful to have a power greater than myself. A power that is all forgiving when things could’ve gone better.

Today I am grateful to have a power greater than myself. A power that lifts my obsession to feed any addictions.

Today I am grateful to have a power greater than myself. A power that is always there for me.

Today I am grateful to have a power greater than myself. A power that kicks my self-run ego’s arse!

🙏🏻😊👍🏻💪🏻❤

Gratitude List 08/05/2019: Hard truths

Gratitude List 08/05/2019

Despite the surge of judgement, self-pity, self-centeredness, resentment, anger and arrogance….

Today I am grateful I am able to hear some hard truths.

Today I am grateful for another’s courage to deliver them.

Today I am grateful for honesty.

Today I am grateful I can quickly park any ill feelings.

Today I am grateful for big servings of humble pie.

Today I am grateful for another lesson learnt.

Today I am grateful I know how to deal with arising fears.

Today I am grateful for guidance and strength.

Today I am grateful for the guided plan.

Today I am grateful for doing what is right today and only today.

Gratitude List 02/05/2019: Never alone

Gratitude List 02/05/2019

Today I am grateful I am not alone and as a result I do not have to deal with everything by myself.

Today I am grateful I have a sponsor who I trust and respect in so many ways.

Today I am grateful for my sponsees who have no idea what their recovery and regular contact does for me.

Today I am grateful I have an abundance of like minded fellows, all of whom I feel comfortable opening up to.

Today I am grateful I have my girlfriend, who as a result of our honest relationship, is always willing to lend an understanding and supporting ear.

Today I am grateful to have a family, all of whom live close by. Again, my openness means I can reach out to them.

Today I am grateful to have friends outside the fellowship. There are a few special people I have known for a long time, true friends I can confide in.

Today I am grateful I have God in my life. A power greater than me who’s guidance and strength is always there if and when I seek it.

Today I am grateful I feel part of mankind. I see life all around me and feel connected to it. In truth, I’m never alone.

Today I am grateful I have what I have. I have felt what it’s like to have no one to turn to, no one to understand, no one to support, no one to guide, no one to believe in. I witness others struggling with the same feeling- there’s no outlet for them, if only they had what I have laid at my feet. I am truly blessed.

Gratitude List 27/04/2019: Falling Short

Gratitude List 27/04/2019

“Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience. “

Alcoholics Anonymous, PG. 70

Today I am grateful I have a better idea of what ‘the chosen ideal’ is. Without this knowledge I’d be in denial.

Today I am grateful I have the humility to honestly admit when I have fallen short.

Today I am grateful that personal experience has proven these falls do not automatically lead to a relapse and that a lot will depend on my response.

Today I am grateful I do ask God, as I understand Him, for forgiveness, praying only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry it out. I do this on a daily basis.

Today I am grateful that I believe God has forgiven me each and every time and will continue to do so as long as there’s an honest desire on my behalf.

Today I am grateful that I do take these falls as an opportunity to learn, improve myself and equip myself for the future.

Today I am grateful I am under no illusion that if I am not sorry and I continue a conduct that will harm others, including myself, then a relapse is inevitable.

Today I am grateful I don’t have theorize! I don’t want to decide what’s right and what’s wrong. I’m no good at it anyway. The facts are there in clear view if I wish to see them.

Today I am grateful for those who share their own falls. If I truly listen without judgement, I can learn from them – I don’t have to go through the same terrifying experiences to prove it.

Gratitude List 26/04/2019: The late stages.

Gratitude List 26/04/2019

“In the late stages of our drinking, the will to resist has fled. Yet when we admit complete defeat and when we become entirely ready to try A.A. principles, our obsession leaves us and we enter a new dimension—freedom under God as we understand Him.”

— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 283

Today I am grateful I haven’t forgotten the late stages of my addiction and how my will to resist was non-existent. There was no fight.

Today I am grateful the late stages led to my own admission of complete defeat. To admit my complete powerlessness and completely surrender.

Today I am grateful my surrender led to me being entirely ready to try the principles. Principles that had worked for thousands of others. I had tried everything in my own power and nothing had worked. I had to try something completely different, something I was uncomfortable with.

Today I am grateful that by doing so my obsession left me. Almost like a switch, the principles worked instantly.

Today I am grateful that these principles led to spiritual growth, which for me was like entering a new dimension.

Today I am grateful that upon entering this dimension I found my very first understanding of God. I went from a cynic to someone willing, an agnostic to a believer, a believer to someone with faith.

Today I am grateful my understanding of God is mine and mine alone. I can choose my own. As long as it’s greater than me – I have a big choice!

Today I am grateful that under God I too found freedom. Freedom from my obsession. Freedom from my insanity. Freedom from my self.

Today I am grateful that Bill wasn’t scared to use the words ‘we’ and ‘our’. He was the voice of thousands who shared a common solution.