Chalk and Cheese

This is very relevant to my life at the moment so I thought I’d share my experience of Step 2 – “Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

“Came to believe…” This is exactly what happened to me. Through the humbling of Step 1 and reading the first few chapters of the Big Book, I came to believe. There was no existing belief beforehand, in fact, I almost resented the idea on the basis it was ridiculous, a sign of weakness and lack of self-will. It was comforting to know I didn’t need the belief before I embarked on the 12 Step Program.

“… in a power greater than ourselves…” The admission of my powerlessness over my illness and the the fact I had done an awful job at managing my life, gave me the necessary humility to accept and come to believe there are many things more powerful than I. For me it was that simple. The fact I am not the most powerful thing means there is an abundance of things that are. When I get on my knees and pray, this is what’s going through my mind. Simple humility.

“….could restore us to sanity.” Wait a minute! Not only do I have to believe in a power greater than myself, but I have to believe this power can influence me enough to restore sanity?? Despite my initial reservations, my experience has proved this can be quite simple. To start with, one of the main reasons I started this journey of recovery is because I wanted the apparent serenity I could see in others. If the programme, which includes a belief in a greater power, can work for them, why can’t it work for me too? Who am I to say it won’t? That was enough for me to get started. Since then, my belief has progressed and evolved into faith. How? Simply through experience. On a daily basis, when I feel connected to my greater power, I am a different person. I am calmer, I talk lower, I am at peace, I am a good listener, I appreciate the small things. When I am running on self will I am in a rush, I obsess over food, I am resentful, I am fearful, I am angry, I am selfish. Like chalk and cheese. Like black and white. It is as clear as night and day if I am running on self will or a greater power’s will. So, do I believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity? Most definitely.

Chalk and Cheese

This is very relevant to my life at the moment so I thought I’d share my experience of Step 2 – “Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

“Came to believe…” This is exactly what happened to me. Through the humbling of Step 1 and reading the first few chapters of the Big Book, I came to believe. There was no existing belief beforehand, in fact, I almost resented the idea on the basis it was ridiculous, a sign of weakness and lack of self-will. It was comforting to know I didn’t need the belief before I embarked on the 12 Step Program.

“… in a power greater than ourselves…” The admission of my powerlessness over my illness and the the fact I had done an awful job at managing my life, gave me the necessary humility to accept and come to believe there are many things more powerful than I. For me it was that simple. The fact I am not the most powerful thing means there is an abundance of things that are. When I get on my knees and pray, this is what’s going through my mind. Simple humility.

“….could restore us to sanity.” Wait a minute! Not only do I have to believe in a power greater than myself, but I have to believe this power can influence me enough to restore sanity?? Despite my initial reservations, my experience has proved this can be quite simple. To start with, one of the main reasons I started this journey of recovery is because I wanted the apparent serenity I could see in others. If the programme, which includes a belief in a greater power, can work for them, why can’t it work for me too? Who am I to say it won’t? That was enough for me to get started. Since then, my belief has progressed and evolved into faith. How? Simply through experience. On a daily basis, when I feel connected to my greater power, I am a different person. I am calmer, I talk lower, I am at peace, I am a good listener, I appreciate the small things. When I am running on self will I am in a rush, I obsess over food, I am resentful, I am fearful, I am angry, I am selfish. Like chalk and cheese. Like black and white. It is as clear as night and day if I am running on self will or a greater power’s will. So, do I believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity? Most definitely.

My Ego Vs My Spiritual Self: The Forty Two Year Wars

My Ego Vs My Spiritual Self: The Forty Two Year Wars

For decades my ego enjoyed landslide victories in this war. So cunning were it’s triumphs I didn’t even know it sat upon the throne in complete control. Like a ghost puppet it pulled my strings into the darkest of places and mis-shaped my life.

Three years ago, at Rock Bottom, my desperate spiritual self produced a challenge that hurt my ego. Until this day any attempt had been nonchalantly brushed off with ease. This small cut, produced not by force but by a leap of faith, was a glimmer of hope and changed history.

Since that fateful day my spiritual self has not rested. With daily diligent effort, it’s army led by gallant knights such as Sir Love and Sir Humility has continued to grow with new soldiers enrolling every day. Coinciding with this progress, my ego has deflated into a regressing gang of pirates succeeding only in little ambushes. Insidious jabs which remind my spiritual self not to get too comfortable.

Gratitude List 15/05/2019

Gratitude List 15/05/2019

Today I am grateful for the daylight moon. It really reminds me of how small I am in respect to the universe.

Today I am grateful for the shining, all powerful sun over my shoulder. Bringing warmth, light, energy and life.

Today I am grateful for meeting up with a fellow on the first day of his journey. How my life has changed since my first day.

Today I am grateful to be able to sit in the garden and have dinner. I’m so lucky.

Today I am grateful to listen to the silence that surrounds the singing birds.

Today I am grateful for the inquisitive squirrel who is tame and happy enough to come close and feed.

Today I am grateful to see some old faces last night, all of whom are doing well in their respective recoveries.

Today I am grateful to wake up with my life, my health, my serenity, my sanity, my senses and my abstinence.

Today I am grateful the sun is out again this morning. There’s a smile on my face and a bounce in my step.

Today I am grateful to be grateful.

Gratitude List 18/04/2019 None are perfect but…..

Gratitude List 18/04/2019

None are perfect but…..

Today I am grateful for my sanity.

Today I am grateful for my serenity.

Today I am grateful for my mobility.

Today I am grateful grateful for my opportunities.

Today I am grateful for my choices.

Today I am for my acceptance.

Today I am grateful for my courage.

Today I am grateful for my freedom.

Today I am grateful for my abstinence.

Today I am grateful for my recovery.

Today I am grateful for my progression.

Today I am grateful for my health.

Today I am grateful for my energy.

Today I am grateful for my senses.

Today I am grateful for my spirituality.

Today I am grateful for my positivity.

Today I am grateful for my humility.

Today I am grateful for my faith.

Today I am grateful for my hope.

Today I am grateful for my life.

Gratitude List 10/03/2019

Gratitude List 10/03/2019

A combination of recovery, unity and service, along with the guidance from powers greater than I, have given me a completely new life. I still have to pinch myself. As a result, I get to experience so many positive emotions.

Sometimes I do forget. I forget where I’ve come from and these emotions come and go without me acknowledging them. Without me appreciating them. With life going on around me, it’s only natural. But today I am aware of them. Aware I am experiencing emotions my illness used to deny me.

Today I am grateful for love.

Today I am grateful for serenity.

Today I am grateful for happiness.

Today I am grateful for fun.

Today I am grateful for kindness.

Today I am grateful for humility.

Today I am grateful for togetherness.

Today I am grateful for clear thinking.

Today I am grateful for amusement.

Today I am grateful for pride (of others).

Today I am grateful for gratefulness.

Gratitude List 27/02/2019: Definition of a Mature Person Part Three

Gratitude List 27/02/2019

Definition of an Mature Person Part 3 (see part 1 and part 2)

10. We can endure defeat and disappointment without whining or complaining?

Today I am grateful the most positive thing about enduring defeat is I rarely feel defeated. Not in an arrogant ‘I never lose’ way, because I don’t win much either. Plus my football team often get defeated when I don’t expect them too! What I mean is I rarely whine or complain and if I do it doesn’t last long. Wow it used to so different!

11. We do not worry unduly about things that cannot be helped?

Today I am grateful I don’t worry for the right reasons. Before, I didn’t worry about things because I utilised surpression instead, I didn’t have the strength to cope with life’s challenges. Today, I don’t worry because of acceptance. I do my upmost to accept the things I cannot change. I do my best to accept life on life’s terms.

12. We are not given to boasting or “showing off in socially unacceptable ways?

Today I am grateful this has hugely improved. I still occasionally feed my ego and join in with unhealthy banter or gossip, but I do try not too. My boasting has been cut down and replaced with humbleness. I used to crave recognition for everything from everyone. Today I find myself giving praise to others.

13. We are honestly glad when others enjoy success or good fortune. We have outgrown envy and jealousy?

Today I am grateful I do enjoy it when others are successful or have good fortune. I really do. I am quick to congratate them. My envy and jealousy always led to self-pity. Now, I am outgrowing these defects. Practicing gratitude has played a huge role in me appreciating what I have instead of always desiring what I do not.

14. We are open-minded enough to listen thoughtfully to the opinions of others and do not become vigorously argumentative when our views are opposed?

Today I am grateful open-mindedness is now in my life. I admit I had to Google the meaning to start with. Listening to the opinions of others? Me? Never! It was my way or the highway and I would vigorously argue until I proved it. Or I would sit in silence and let resentments spin out of control in my mind. Today, I remind myself to accept people for who they are and accept that people’s views and values will differ from mine.