Free from insanity.
That’s what I have been reminded of today. Don’t get me wrong, I still make some insane decisions that beggars belief. But today’s insanity is nothing in comparison to what my mind could conjure up when I was in action.
Today I am grateful I am free from the following thoughts – thoughts I used to have.
“If have a heart attack, at least I’ll get some sympathy”
“Maybe it would be easier for everyone if I weren’t around”
“Losing my family and becoming homeless wouldn’t be all bad. At least I get to do what I want”
Abstinence from my addiction is one thing, but freedom from insanity is another. Today I am grateful for my health, my family and my home. Life is beautiful and worth living. I desire to make the most of it.
Gratitude List 18/02/2019
1. the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants.
2. the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.
I can relate to both of these. With regards to how much freedom I have now and how I suffered from not having it in the past.
Today I am grateful I have the freedom to choose whether I feed my addiction or not. The insanity of my addiction meant this wasn’t always the case.
Today I am grateful I have the freedom to leave a premises. Crazy I know, but there were many times when I simply didn’t have the power to walk out of a door. Imprisoned by my illness.
Today I am grateful I have the freedom to act in ways that are good for me. I can enhance my spirituality through simple suggestions. I used to make the simplest suggestion as difficult and complicated so I could justify to myself I didn’t need to do it.
Today I am grateful I have the freedom to be honest. My life used to be a lie. It was continuous. Telling the truth meant I’d have to stop…. and I couldn’t.
Today I am grateful I have the freedom to think morally. Once riddled with defects, my thinking was stinky.
Today I am grateful I have the freedom to think less. Through prayer and meditation I am able to hand my thinking over to a power greater than me. Before, I ruled the universe and my washing machine head could think for me and everyone else too.
Today I am grateful I have the freedom to plan my day. I am no longer a slave to my addiction. I was absolutely powerless over its progressive terms. I had to feed it all day, everyday. If I wasn’t acting out I had to think about it. I even had to dream about it.
Today I am grateful that my freedom was only restricted by my addiction and not anything else.
Gratitude List 01/02/2019
I’ve been re-reading the Big Book. Despite the book being about alcoholism I have never had a problem relating the content to my own compulsions. I’ve mentioned it before, but there are certain passages that have proved to be vital moments in my life. It happened again last night. The following passage has always reminded me of the insanity of my thinking and the countless attempts to control my illness.
‘Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums—we could increase the list ad infinitum.’
I can relate totally. Today I am grateful for this reminder.