My Ego Vs My Spiritual Self: The Forty Two Year Wars
For decades my ego enjoyed landslide victories in this war. So cunning were it’s triumphs I didn’t even know it sat upon the throne in complete control. Like a ghost puppet it pulled my strings into the darkest of places and mis-shaped my life.
Three years ago, at Rock Bottom, my desperate spiritual self produced a challenge that hurt my ego. Until this day any attempt had been nonchalantly brushed off with ease. This small cut, produced not by force but by a leap of faith, was a glimmer of hope and changed history.
Since that fateful day my spiritual self has not rested. With daily diligent effort, it’s army led by gallant knights such as Sir Love and Sir Humility has continued to grow with new soldiers enrolling every day. Coinciding with this progress, my ego has deflated into a regressing gang of pirates succeeding only in little ambushes. Insidious jabs which remind my spiritual self not to get too comfortable.
Gratitude List 16/06/2019
Today being today, it is quite apt to speak about how recovery has improved the relationship between my dad and I. For over two decades I resented my dad. I had dealt with that resentment by simply surpressing my feelings and emotions. The resentment never lessened, it just festered inside. Our contact was limited and for the majority, I only ever instigated contact so I could manipulate the situation and use it to my financial advantage.
Today I am grateful I admitted my life had been unmanageable including how I managed this resentment.
Today I am grateful I found some humility through gaining a belief in a power greater than myself. With this humility I was able to look at my past mistakes.
Today I am grateful that although I wasn’t directly involved in the cause, I learnt that I could’ve done better when it comes to dealing with the resentment since it was caused.
Today I am grateful I realised that when it comes to justified resentments I can still forgive. Forgiveness works.
Today I am grateful I have a greater power to which I can hand over any defects of character that stand in the way of my usefulness to my dad. This includes but is not exhausted to dishonesty, anger, hate, arrogance, intolerance, inconsideration….
Today I am grateful I can think of my dad and walk a mile in his shoes. I realised the harm I had caused him since. By doing this, it helped me become willing to make amends to him.
Today I am grateful I am able to make amends. I can let him release his feelings and emotions. I can sincerely ask for his forgiveness and genuinely ask how I can make things better.
Today I am grateful I had prayer and meditation to utilise before I met with my dad in the early days of recovery. Handing my life and will over just before meeting him really helped.
Today I am grateful I can carry the message to my dad. By being the best version of myself he may witness the power of recovery through the law of attraction.
Today I am grateful our relationship has blossomed beyond belief. It is completely different to what it was a few years ago. Contact is regular and time spent together is full of happiness and laughter. I have come to cherish each moment. Not a bad word, nor a bad thought. I have been able to truly forgive and love him – not forgetting to tell him as often as I can. In fact I remember telling him I loved him for the first time in ages. I truly meant it and still do.
Gratitude List 09/06/2019
Today I am grateful my girlfriend and my daughter are taking part in the Race For Life at Trent Park, London, UK – doing their bit to help beat cancer.
Today I am grateful to watch them get ready, the excitement is building as they pull on their pink vests and attach their race numbers and messages.
Today I am grateful for everyone who partakes in such an event, all the sponsors, volunteers and organisers.
Today I am grateful that rain has subsided and the sun has re-emerged. The weather is perfect.
Today I am grateful that my daughter will be racing in memory of her Nanny Eve – my mum. My girlfriend will be racing in memory of her beloved father.
Today I am grateful for my spiritual growth meaning I strongly believe they will be amongst thousands of other spirits looking down on their loved ones competing today.
Today I am grateful for the relationship my girlfriend and my daughter have. Its so very special and for them to share a special day like this is a blessing.
Today I am grateful for all the doctors, scientists and researchers who work tirelessly to help beat this life changing/ending disease.
Today I am grateful for the inspiration and motivation events like this can give me. It makes me want to do something special too.
Today I am grateful to fell an abundance of love and kindness today.
Gratitude List 18/05/2019
After expressing gratitude towards my girlfriend and daughter, quite naturally my list today reflects on my son and the amazing human being he is.
Today I am grateful for the relationship we share. Despite his teenage tendencies, we are very close.
Today I am grateful for our shared interests, in particular Game Of Thrones which we also share with my girlfriend.
Today I am grateful for how much he cares for his little sister. Despite what can seem like constant bickering the love quite often shines through.
Today I am grateful for how he still cracks up laughter. It’s not often but sometimes he can’t help himself.
Today I am grateful that he always has a story to tell when I collect him. There’s always something he’s been looking forward to sharing.
Today I am grateful for how accepting he has been regarding the situations he has found himself.
Today I am grateful for how he reminds me of me. That thought used to scare me, now it’s a comforting thought.
Today I am grateful for the courage he has shown. The bravery he has shown is phenomenal.
Today I am grateful for his honesty. I know he’s found it difficult but I am grateful for the release he gets when he gets things off his chest.
Today I am grateful for the understanding and forgiveness he has shown towards me.
Gratitude List 17/05/2019
Four years ago today, I met via a ‘swipe right’ and some very dodgy chat up lines, my girlfriend.
Today I am grateful that she is still with me. To begin with, I gave her lots and lots of reasons for her not to be.
Today I am grateful the timing was just about right. It was meant to be.
Today I am grateful she supported me in my journey back to the rooms. She took me to the doorstep that first evening.
Today I am grateful for the amazing role model she is to my children. Their loving relationship is a true blessing.
Today I am grateful for the role model she is to me. I have learnt so much from her maturity.
Today I am grateful for how supportive she is of the effort and time I need to put into my recovery.
Today I am grateful she understands that my recovery must come first.
Today I am grateful we have become best friends.
Today I am grateful for how our relationship has grown in strength and love.
Today I am grateful for Unity, Recovery and Service. Without them I can say with a degree of certainty that either (a) our relationship would’ve ended, or (b) I would be pulling this angel through the wringer with me.
Gratitude List 05/05/2019
Another day has begun. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, the present is a gift. Once today has gone, it’s gone forever, I will never get it back. Today holds endless opportunities and I am grateful for each and every one of them.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to be positive and productive.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to enjoy life, be happy and smile.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to love and forgive.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to be tolerant, considerate and patient.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to unite with like minded fellows.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to strengthen relationships.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to draw a line and change direction.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to improve my conscious contact with God.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to work the steps in my daily life.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to be of service to others.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to progress.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to practice ‘just for today’.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to spiritually grow.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to look after my health.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to be the best fiancé, father, son, brother, friend, colleague and fellow I can possibly be.
These opportunities and many more are all there, waiting for me to take advantage of them. All I need to do is hand my will over and pick up the tools that have been laid out in front of me. If I don’t, one of these priceless opportunities will be wasted as I pick up something self-satisfying instead. If I do, I have little doubt that the most will be made of today, no matter what it brings.
Gratitude List 29/04/2019
I really struggled with the concept of spirituality. I wasn’t comfortable with it at all. For me it either resembled religion or flower power from the 60’s. I fully admit to my narrow-mindedness. To those who practiced it I reacted with resentment or humour.
Although I am now open and comfortable with going to mass or dancing round a beach fire, I have come to realise through recovery there are many ways I can add spirituality to my life.
Today I am grateful I can choose to be in touch with nature and the world – to feel part of mankind. Spirituality.
Today I am grateful I can choose to unite and selflessly serve the fellowship. Spirituality.
Today I am grateful I can choose to let go of expectation and instead practice gratitude. Spirituality.
Today I am grateful I can choose to pray and practice qualities like surrender, humility and thankfulness. Spirituality.
Today I am grateful I can choose to meditate and increase my ability to let go of my thoughts and give into mindfulness. Spirituality.
Today I am grateful I can choose to continuously practice spiritual principles like honesty, acceptance, tolerance and patience. Spirituality.
Today I am grateful I can choose to loosen the reigns, give up trying to control my life (and the lives of others) and believe in a power greater than I. Spirituality.
Today I am grateful I can choose to be open-minded towards religion and the common message. Spirituality.
Today I am grateful I can choose to show and share an abundance of love, kindness and forgiveness. Spirituality.
Today I am grateful I can choose to acknowledge the miracle of life within me and how life surrounds me wherever I go. Spirituality.