Another coin has dropped!!

50 days ago another coin dropped. There was no planning. No bolt of lightning moment. The only way I can describe it is: the time was right. I had been through what I needed to and went with the flow when the opportunity presented itself.

As a result I am 50 day’s free from chocolate, biscuits, cakes, pastries, fried chicken, Greggs, McDonalds and those salty ribs I get from the local chip shop. All of which can trigger me into compulsive eating and has done so for the last three decades.

Make no mistake – this a miracle!!

What’s more is, for the first time in my life I don’t want to relapse. A strange thing for someone to say when that someone has struggled with food for as long as he can remember, someone who has been on countless diets and whose weight has continued to go up and down like a yoyo. For a few years now, I have been aware of the insanity around my thinking but I continued to test the water, to put the feelers out and try again. Oh, the great obsession to be a normal eater.

But I have finally accepted my powerlessness over certain foods. Through bitter experience I know where that first bite will take me. It maybe instant, it may take a few days or a few weeks, but what’s certain is I will reach the point of no return. I will cross that invisible line into compulsive eating and the self-pity, self-delusion, self-loathing and dishonesty that comes with it.

So how did I get to this rather serene place? First of all my sponsor suggested I did 90 meetings in 90 days. Thankfully, I quickly committed before my ego got the better of me. And of course, the more meetings I went to, the more shares of experience, strength and hope I heard, the more service I got to do, the more literature I read, the more serenity prayers I said and the more fellows I got to know.

Unlike my other fellowship, I had to grow into this one. The magic wasn’t instant. I had to do the basics and ‘keep coming back’.

I am so grateful for this abstinence. If I take notice, miracles are happening to me on a daily basis – I can turn down a donut when they’re brought into the office, I am not weighing myself numerous times a day, I can leave food on my plate if I feel full, I can attend a buffet and not sample everything, and Christmas is not an inevitable binge.

Today I feel so much better about my relationship with food. I can enjoy what I eat without fear and that’s a blessing.

It’s like a game of ‘whack-a-mole’! What’s next? Bring it on!

Gratitude List 03/04/2019: The Lie(s)

Gratitude List 03/04/2019

The Lie(s)

Today I am grateful I am aware my illness wants me to think I am better than everyone else.

Today I am grateful I am aware my illness wants to tell me I am strong.

Today I am grateful I am aware my illness wants me to believe I am safe.

Today I am grateful I am aware my illness wants me to think I know all I need to know.

Today I am grateful I am aware my illness wants me to think I am recovered.

Today I am grateful I am aware my illness tells me I don’t need to be honest.

Today I am grateful I am aware my illness tells me I have done enough, I have put in enough effort.

Today I am grateful I am aware my illness wants me to negotiate.

Today I am grateful I am aware my illness wants me to experiment.

Today I am grateful I am aware my illness wants me to sit at home instead of going to a meeting, watch Netflix instead of doing my suggestions, go to bed without praying, hate instead of love, expect instead of appreciate, manage instead of let go, isolate instead of unite, change instead of accept, accept instead of change, resent instead of forgive, fear instead of live.

That is a very brief summary of the spiritual malady my illness brought me in the past and can still bring me if I take my foot off the pedal. I need to stay on my toes and keep putting in the diligent effort on a daily basis. If I don’t, the lies will lead to complacency and I know only to well where that will lead me.

With this awareness comes knowledge, knowledge of and faith in a solution, a solution that allows me to accept what my illness is trying to do and counter it with positive action, positive action that brings a smile to my face.