My Ego Vs My Spiritual Self: The Forty Two Year Wars

My Ego Vs My Spiritual Self: The Forty Two Year Wars

For decades my ego enjoyed landslide victories in this war. So cunning were it’s triumphs I didn’t even know it sat upon the throne in complete control. Like a ghost puppet it pulled my strings into the darkest of places and mis-shaped my life.

Three years ago, at Rock Bottom, my desperate spiritual self produced a challenge that hurt my ego. Until this day any attempt had been nonchalantly brushed off with ease. This small cut, produced not by force but by a leap of faith, was a glimmer of hope and changed history.

Since that fateful day my spiritual self has not rested. With daily diligent effort, it’s army led by gallant knights such as Sir Love and Sir Humility has continued to grow with new soldiers enrolling every day. Coinciding with this progress, my ego has deflated into a regressing gang of pirates succeeding only in little ambushes. Insidious jabs which remind my spiritual self not to get too comfortable.

Gratitude List 28/03/2019: Gratitude for gratitude

Gratitude List 28/03/2019

Today I am grateful for the good news my son had yesterday. He had an admissions meeting and it looks like he’s been accepted onto the course he’d been hoping for. Gratitude for past difficulties happening for a reason.

Today I am grateful for the celebratory meal we had after. I’m grateful I could afford it and I’m grateful I could resist the ice-cream! Most of all I’m grateful to have the people I love the most sitting at the table with me.

Today I am grateful for sitting out in the garden, looking up at the stars (in between the clouds) with my daughter sitting next to me all wrapped up. I have very fond memories of doing the same with my mum.

Today I am grateful for the quiet half hour all by myself. I had done my suggestions so I did a bit of reading. I haven’t read a (story) book for a loooong time. It was nice to put my phone down, turn the TV off and read in silence.

Today I am grateful I am on my way to work. I am blessed to have a job. I’m further blessed to have the understanding of my bosses regarding my situation at home and how I’m unable to always start/finish when they want me to.

Today I am grateful for my son doing the final bit of my daughter’s school run which enabled me to make an effort for my work and get in as soon as possible. I’m so proud to see them walk off together. It’s a real tug at the heart strings moment.

Today I am grateful for the day ahead. God willing, after work I am due to meet a fellow for some step work and then onto a meeting where I can unite, serve and recover.

Today I am grateful I took the time to have breakfast at home and also make my lunch for the day. Its nice to have a plan in place. That way I eat healthy and spend less money too.

Today I am grateful for my physical, mental and spiritual health. For sure there are subtle aches, moments of irrational thinking and I’m sure my ego will take over at certain points during the day. But in contrast to my past my overall health has come a long way.

Today I am grateful for this list and what it’s doing for my serenity. I feel at peace, mind and soul. The longer I practice gratitude the less I suffer with expectation.

People Pleasing

Gratitude List 24/01/2019

People pleasing and the serenity prayer.

I’ve always been a people pleaser and I’ve realised this is predominantly because I want to be a good person. But sometimes it’s based on a fear of letting people down. Like so many other things the serenity prayer seems to fit perfectly. When faced with this particular fear, I have asked my greater power for guidance through the serenity prayer. In return my greater power has directed me to the following three steps which have helped me hugely.

First Step – ACCEPT. In my experience, something must’ve happened for the fear to be created – examples are running late for an appointment due to traffic or being put in a difficult situation, either by myself or another, whereby someone’s values will be challenged. Whatever it is, it’s in the past and therefore I have to accept it for what it is – I cannot change it.

Second Step – CHANGE. From that point, I ask ‘is there anything I can change?’ First and foremost I can always put my fear down on paper, pray and hand it over to my greater power. If I’ve been guided towards further action, then while I’m on my knees I can pray for the required courage. Any following action needs to be within spiritual lines, there’s no point taking the easy way out with an insincere act. For example, a lie to cover a lie, or cause harm to another just to save my own neck.

Third Step – ACCEPT. If further action is required, then I need to remind myself I have no control as to how someone reacts to it. It maybe, that despite doing the next right thing, I could upset another. Fearing this could prevent me from doing what I need to. I need to accept the things I cannot change – that includes other people and how they react. I can’t please everyone.

No scenario is the same. Above is just one. When to accept? When to change? It’s never straightforward. That’s why there is so much importance on the prayer itself, I am asking my greater power for some help and willing to wait and listen for the answer through meditation.

Today I am grateful for the wisdom to know the difference.