Do I really want to stop?

Do I really want to stop?

When I first walked into the rooms I was met with just one requirement – a desire to refrain. Did I have that desire? Of course I did. I had the gift of desperation. My path of destruction had caused a huge amount of pain to both myself and others. Why wouldn’t I want to give up the cause of it? This was my conscious thinking at the time.

In hindsight I have come to realise that not only had I given up the negative side of my addiction, but the level of desperation meant I had also given up the ‘apparent’ positives. There were positives of course. I wouldn’t have done what I did had it not been for the dopamine hits I was getting in return. This realisation took my surrender to a new level. I clearly wanted to stop 100%.

Which brings me back, do I really want to stop? Do I really want to stop over-eating? Do I really want to stop being dishonest? Do I really want to stop being a people pleaser? Sure I want to stop feeling crap after binge eating on pastries, but do I want to stop the brief pleasures I get from eating that sugary pain-Au-chocolate? Sure I want to stop lying to the people I love the most, but do I want to stop taking what seems to be the easy way out? Sure I want to stop living in fear of letting someone down, but do I want to stop being everyone’s best friend?

To have a desire to refrain, to really want to stop, my recovery from my primary addiction has taught me that I need to surrender 100%, the bad… and the good.

Gratitude List 05/06/2019: Not mine

Gratitude List 05/06/2019

Without a doubt in my mind, my life begun to turnaround when I stopped managing it. I did an absolutely awful job and to make things worse I wanted everyone to think and act like I did. My gratitude list today refers to all the things I do which have resulted in turning my life around. The common factor in every single one is NONE of them came from me and my design for life.

Today I am grateful I attend as many meetings as possible – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I do service and practice the Traditions – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I got a sponsor and went through the steps – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I take the time to carry the same message – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I found a power greater than me – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I pray and meditate – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I write these gratitude lists – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I do a daily honest inventory – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I read recovery based literature – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I write a journal – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I am grateful I call other fellows – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I have faced, dealt with and learned from my past – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I can make amends to others I have harmed – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I am willing to go to any lengths to stay clean and abstinent – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I surrendered – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

Today I am grateful I take it one day at a time – wasn’t my choice or part of my plan.

In short I let it go and I need to do so everyday.

Gratitude List 01/03/2019: ‘A leap of faith’

Gratitude List 01/03/2019

‘A leap of faith’

To me, ‘a leap of faith’ is a step into the unknown. To let go and see what happens. To trust in something Today I am grateful I listened. intangible. To trust in a power out of my control.

My list today reflects on all the defining moments within my recovery where I have taken a leap of faith. Some of these moments were forced upon me, some I was guided towards, some were due to a conscious thought of ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’

Today I am grateful I walked into the rooms.

Today I am grateful I tried to be open-minded.

Today I am grateful I shared my story.

Today I am grateful I gave service.

Today I am grateful I accepted help.

Today I am grateful I made an effort.

Today I am grateful I did what was asked.

Today I am grateful I surrendered.

Today I am grateful I let go of the manageability.

Today I am grateful I became willing to believe.

Today I am grateful I gave my life over to a power greater than myself.

Today I am grateful I faced the past.

Today I am grateful I handed over my fear.

Today I am grateful I made amends.

Today I am grateful I passed on the message.

Today I am grateful I was honest.

Today I am grateful I accepted.

Today I am grateful I listened.

Today I am grateful I chose to tolerate.

Today I am grateful I bit my lip.

Today I am grateful I forgave.

Today I am grateful I made that call.

Today I am grateful I got on my knees.

Today I am grateful I meditated.

None of the above came natural to me. None were in my make up as a person. None made up my DNA. But all of them are now. Each time I took a leap of faith the results were better than I could ever imagine. This gave me the strength and desire to leap again and again. As the results continued to be positive, the faith I was leaping for in the first place, grew in strength. Today I am grateful for my faith.